State Sponsored Terrorism

Gym class freshman year was hell. Not only did I not do sports, I didn’t do getting naked and showering with a bunch of towel snapping idiots. I had two gym teachers in my freshman year; Mr. Burke and Coach Kopelieski. Mr. Burke was a Nazi in shorts that shouted propaganda at us while we ran the stairs and did calisthenics, and Coach Kopelieski who was about 350 pounds and only inspiring if you yearned for a heart attack. I did not enjoy getting naked with a bunch of towel snapping hormone drenched teens. You would enter the shower room, and then turn Left to the showers. At the end of a row of about 10 showers, you’d turn left again and re-enter the locker room. Awaiting you was Coach Kopelieski, with the towels. You’d reach for the towel in his hand, and he would raise his arm. At the point that he had his arm all the way up, he’d tell you to jump for it. You’d have to jump for it if you wanted a towel. His eyes were locked on your privates, your junk flopping around.

On my third day of gym in the 9th grade, I was told to “Jump.” for my towel. I looked him in the eye and said “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Very quietly. “Why not?” He sneered at me, as he dangled the towel in the air. As I saw him exhale, I hit him in the gut with as much force as I could. His breath blew out of him, and as he doubled over and lowered the towel, I plucked the towel out of his hand, and just walked away.

I spent the rest of the day wondering when the hammer would fall. It never did. The next day when I went to gym class Kopelieski told me to see him in his office. I went in and sat down across from him at the desk.

“I am going to suspend you for a semester for yesterday.” He said.

“No problem.” I said. “I’ll just report your little “jump for the towel” routine to the administration” I said

“You have no proof.” He said.

“I have at least a half a dozen of my peers to vouch for me.” I said. “You will be out of this school in a heartbeat.”. I told him.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“Simple, I want a pass on the rest of the semester with a B grade.” I said.

“I can’t do that.” He said.

“Then it looks like you’re gonna be unemployed soon.” I said, and got up to leave.

“Wait.” He said.

I got my pass for the rest of the semester and a grade of B.